Disclosure

Wait for me to show you
All I hide inside
Sometimes I want
People to know
From the beginning
So I will not be
Rejected early
Yet it is my choice
To disclose
Each time it  is easier
It is so free to tell
After  years of silence
So I begin..
To love myself again.

My Illness

Taking apart
My very self
Revealing the
Fear within
Where concepts
Meet consequences

My actions
Impulsive
My speech quick
My mind racing
Anxiety quickening

I did not ask for this
Having to see
An escape plan
At any restaurant
I sit at
This PTSD
Is drowning me

Showing itself
In anger
Betrayal
My relationships
In jeopardy
If only to
Find a
Finite existence

Where my life
Changes for the better
Well it has
Working through pain
Being able to say "NO"

I do not always
Put my best foot forward
Yet this is a start
The beginning over
Twenty years old

I desire to treat myself
My inner child
Like I never was
How I would treat
A daughter if I had one
So this is the beginning
Where is the end?

Focusing

In times of discontent
I look back to happy times
Where I was safe
Happy and carefree
Peanut butter and jelly
Cinnamon sugar toast

When you would kiss
Me goodbye in the morning
Before work
When you showered
Every day

Instead of waking up
To endless apologies
For the night before
That I forgave
(or tried to)

As you guzzled beer
Drank gin and soda
I made your drinks
Or you would
Travel back and forth
To the kitchen
For another drink

I remember you
Helping me with
School projects
That always
Got me an "A"

You were never
All bad
You were sick
Mentally ill
Yet a pervert
At the same time

I try to focus
On fond memories
Try to push out the bad
It is so hard
But I  must try
So I can curb my anger
Caused by my PTSD

That I am sorry to say
You caused
However, I find myself
Smiling at fun things
We used to do
For you were two people
One of them I loved.

Tip Toeing

Tender moments
Of just wishing
Wondering and
Waylaying for
Some answer
Some rhyme or reason
For future truths
Lying underneath the past
Suffocating
Yet as I smother
I breathe deep
Reminding myself
I am here
Maybe not where
I really want to be now
But I woke up alive
A new moment begins
I realize I create my future
Only I can change myself
I cannot depend on others
Embarking on a new mission
To be more kind to some
Stay the same to others
As I relax and realize the cause
That began the effect
Of a temper born by a man
Who was supposed to protect me
Yet failed in every way
Betrayed and overstepped
Every boundary
Yet I must stop languishing
In the past
Tip toeing in the future
While I should do the opposite
In the present I am just here
I want to have my old life back
So I resolve to be better
Hoping I can hang on


(c) Jessica Brooke 1/18/14

Searching for Self

Please escape from my lips
All anger and negativity
Once gone stay away
Invigorate my soul
With sweet searching
Looking for myself
In a pile of coins
In a fountain
Each one holding
A dear wish
Some coming true
Like my wish for love
On my birthday candles
A year ago
Yet something more occurred
I cannot erase or understand
A full time mistake
Left pieces for me to pick up
A wide variety of painful prickers
Digging and boring into  my skin
Nevermore to be free
Locked in I once was
But now that I have freedom
I do not use it for its full advantage
I give give give
Only to be taken again and again
So please if you understand
How to get ME back
Please let me know
Give me that final courtesy
For I feel alone amongst strangers
Even my own friends
I do not know an ending
I feel a beginning of sorts
Of change

© Jessica Brooke 1/16/14