My Illness

Taking apart
My very self
Revealing the
Fear within
Where concepts
Meet consequences

My actions
Impulsive
My speech quick
My mind racing
Anxiety quickening

I did not ask for this
Having to see
An escape plan
At any restaurant
I sit at
This PTSD
Is drowning me

Showing itself
In anger
Betrayal
My relationships
In jeopardy
If only to
Find a
Finite existence

Where my life
Changes for the better
Well it has
Working through pain
Being able to say "NO"

I do not always
Put my best foot forward
Yet this is a start
The beginning over
Twenty years old

I desire to treat myself
My inner child
Like I never was
How I would treat
A daughter if I had one
So this is the beginning
Where is the end?

Focusing

In times of discontent
I look back to happy times
Where I was safe
Happy and carefree
Peanut butter and jelly
Cinnamon sugar toast

When you would kiss
Me goodbye in the morning
Before work
When you showered
Every day

Instead of waking up
To endless apologies
For the night before
That I forgave
(or tried to)

As you guzzled beer
Drank gin and soda
I made your drinks
Or you would
Travel back and forth
To the kitchen
For another drink

I remember you
Helping me with
School projects
That always
Got me an "A"

You were never
All bad
You were sick
Mentally ill
Yet a pervert
At the same time

I try to focus
On fond memories
Try to push out the bad
It is so hard
But I  must try
So I can curb my anger
Caused by my PTSD

That I am sorry to say
You caused
However, I find myself
Smiling at fun things
We used to do
For you were two people
One of them I loved.